Long Awaited Update

Ok, I'm not a very good blogger as I tend to forget to update.

It's been a tough few weeks actually. Firstly, on the 3rd of June it was the 1st anniversary of my dad's death. I didn't really know how it was going to effect me. My grief has run a pretty usual course so far. I manage to keep my self together and remain philosophical about things but from time to time the emotions just bubble up to the surface and i'll find myself sobbing over something little, like, someone will tell me a joke I know he'd have appreciated and i'll immediately go to my email and select Dad from the recipients list, or I'll go to send him a text and remember. I just can't erase those numbers though. If I take him out of my phone that means I can't ever call him again and that act of erasing the number would be too final for me...

Anyway, I went in to work on that day as usual, and unfortunately was faced with doing a system update on our computers at work. This task always falls to me because i know the most about computers... but really in the scheme of things, it's like asking a monkey to work out your tax return because he once picked up a calculator... Ok that's doing myself down a bit as I am fairly adept at computing, but anyway. I got in early at 8,30am to start the process and things just weren't running to plan (not that they ever do). I was being passed from help line to help line and conclusions were made that we'd just not been sent the right things and that we had to keep starting the damn thing over and over again. Whilst I'm doing this, everyone in the building was coming in to work and having to twiddle their thumbs until the system was back online. I was getting calls every 5 mins to ask how things were going and I just flipped. I couldn't take anymore. I had had a headache when i came in and now I had a thumping migrane and just went down and told my boss I wasn't well and was going home. It didn't really dawn on me that my emotional trigger had been on high sensitivity because of it being my dad's anniversary, if I'd have thought about it I'd have explained that to my boss before storming out but hey ho.

Ok so after that I went home and cried for an hour or so and then went to sleep... the great healer.

So, the rest of the week was a bit of a downer in one way or another, I was just feeling generally pissed off with work and I was in a very, what's the point mood, when suddenly on the Friday I got an email from CUKAS, which is the organisation which administer Music college applications, saying I should log in as my account status had changed. I was immediately filled with hopeful trepidation as I knew this could be the email saying that I'd got a place on the PGDip course but it was a negative. All the people who were offered the places had accepted and there is no room for me for next Sept so i'm going to have to audition again in Oct/Nov and go through the whole damn process again! This was one big nail in the biggest coffin of a week ever. I held my nerve until I went home then cried my eyes out. Andy feeling sorry for me bought me a bottle of wine and a box of my favourite chocolates which did help but basically I felt like a complete failure. I know this isn't true though. I mean when i auditioned last Nov the feedback I got from the heads of department was really good and the letter offering me my place said that I was good enough for the course but they just didn't have enough places and I presume the places went to current Undergrads at the college. I'm not sure how i'm going to over come this particular issue. Surely every year they have Undergrads wanting to do the Post Grad course and I suppose it's a case of better the devil you know for the college department, after all they want to see their students go all the way through the school. I'm just going to have to be tenacious. I know i'm good enough, I just need to keep letting them know how serious I am about this.

The next week was a bit better, though this week I had an audition at Opera North to go to. I'd had to shake off last weeks kick in the guts and jump straight back on the horse. I knew that the audition at the ON wasn't likely to lead to a job offer but was doing it for the experience and to start getting myself seen on the radar of the company. When I got there there were several other girls of a similar age sat waiting to go in. All seemed to be from the RNCM and in fact one girl was another pupil of Roberts. It was nice chatting to her and compare notes on how our voices had developed under his tuition. I went in and did my audition. We had to prepare 3 songs and they were only hearing one and I ended up singing the one that was the least secure. It was a song i'd been learning with Robert last summer and was pretty long and I ended up fluffing a bit in places but got through it. Then we had to wait for the results and see who was going through to the next round. There were 7 of us there and only 3 went to the second round and I wasn't one of them as I expected but hey, It really was a good experience. I ended up catching the train home with Rachel (Roberts pupil) and we had a good natter on the train back to Manchester, philosophising about life, singing, auditions, other jobs, ambitions et.al. I felt suprisingly ok with what i'd achieved that day, even if it wasn't a job offer. I realised that my next big goal is to nail that place at college and get that regular tuition and performance experience that I've been longing for. In a year or so's time I'll be in the same position as the girls at the audition, I'll be more confident, I'll have a much bigger repertoire and I'll be well on my way.

Friday, I was back in work, I came back to find an inbox full of issues and ended up having a chat to my manager about how we can make my job more managable as I had to confess I was feeling pretty unhappy and stressed and that's not how I want to feel at work. She agreed and harmony ensued. When I got home that evening I had some music to learn as I'd agreed to sing the Soprano solo part in Gounod's Messe Solonnelle di Sainte Cecila at St John's Church in Baildon the next day :0) I love being busy with singing projects. I sat on the sofa with a glass or two of wine and my score and my ipod listening to a recording. Bliss.

Saturday I went to do the concert, rehearsals started at 10.30am so I had to set off around 9am from Bolton. The drive was clear and I had my Tom Tom to ensure I didn't get lost. I had a good hour to warm up and get ready vocally, which is always a bonus. When I got there I recognised the place as I'd done concerts for Peter Sanford there before. I recognised some of the people in the choir and Andrew Crawford, my old music teacher from WGS was there too. Met some really lovely girls in the choir who were also doing solos and they did really well. The programme was very varied, they opened with the Gounod, then did various orchestral pieces and the choir did another set of items including some fun arrangements of Teddy Bears Picnic and Dashing away with the smoothing iron and also Stanford's "The Bluebird" and Bird Song at Eventide which is pure slush but lovely :0) After rehearsals I nipped over to see Smuzz for a few hours. I took over her birthday card. I got a very enthusiastic greeting from Nicky the dog who i'd not met before. She wasn't sure of me at first but ended up licking my half to death. After a nice catch up I got myself a domino's pizza and made my way back to Baildon for the concert and at the end of the day I headed home, tired but happy.

Yesterday was a lazy day. We went to the cinema to see "Gone Baby Gone" which is written & directed by Ben Affleck and I was pretty impressed. Though it was pure nepotism in him casting his brother in the lead hehehe. It was quite a thought provoking film with a few twists and made for a most satisfying watch.

There, I've caught up. Sorry to bore you but I've taken a journey this last few weeks. I've traversed grief, depression and rejection and arrived and hope and it's not a bad place to be. I do think that things in life tend to happen for a reason beyond our knowledge and I'm sure there's a reason why I wasn't meant to get a place this sept at RNCM. Maybe next year I'll have a place and they'll have some cracking opera's planned for the coming year with my name on the lead roles hehehe :0)